Self-compassion is the key to alleviating Shame – Beverly Engel, LMFT
One of the best books I’ve read about childhood sexual abuse and shame is Beverly Engel’s
Note on the book links above: I am an Amazon Associate Partner and may receive a small affiliate commission for purchases made through these links. These book links are for your convenience. The price you pay at Amazon will NOT be impacted by this commission.
Beverly Engel, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and survivor of childhood sexual abuse and neglect. She has over thirty years of experience working primarily with survivors of childhood and adult abuse.
She is the author of 21 self-help books, including 4 best-selling books. She has appeared on Oprah, CNN, and has a blog on the Psychology Today website as well as regularly contributing to the Psychology Today magazine.
I will be creating a series of blogs based on Beverly’s Psychology Today posts, so keep an eye out for those.
Beverly writes from her years of work with her patients but also from her own personal experience as a survivor.
“If you were a victim of childhood abuse or neglect you know about shame. You have likely been plagued by it all your life. You may feel shame because you blame yourself for the abuse itself…, or because you felt such humiliation at having been abused…”
“Victims of child abuse are typically changed by the experience, not only because they were traumatized, but because they feel a loss of innocence and dignity and they carry forward a heavy burden of shame.”
Engel shares a program she created specifically for helping survivors get free of shame. Her Compassion Cure program is based on scientific research, and includes real-life case examples.
The five components to Engel’s Compassion Cure program are:
- Self-understanding
- Self-forgiveness
- Self-acceptance
- Self-kindness
- Self-encouragement
Engel’s Compassion Cure program includes exercises to help the survivor benefit fully from each part of the program.
In Part I of her book, Engel walks the survivor through the Shame/Compassion Connection.
- How and Why Child Abuse Creates Shame
- Why Shame is So Debilitating
- How Compassion Can Heal the Shame of Childhood
This section of the book really resonated with me as a survivor. Although reading this section was very challenging, I had never had someone so clearly and compassionately describe what it is like to be a survivor of childhood abuse.
Engel’s own experiences of childhood abuse are shared and it is obvious how much she really GETS what it is like to be a survivor.
Her years as a therapist working with survivors provides her with the experience and language to describe what is happening inside a survivor’s body and mind and how to work with the overwhelming emotions and debilitating shame survivors carry.
Engel does this all with a wonderfully supportive voice—the reader feels seen, supported, and heard throughout.
In Part II of her book, Engel lays out the understanding for her Compassion Cure Program:
- The Obstacles to Self-Compassion
- Receiving Compassion from Others
- Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Pain
I wish I had had this book early in my healing journey because it so clearly describes what a survivor does to block compassion for themselves and from others. It is incredibly helpful to see these defenses detailed so a survivor can recognize them in their own life.
In Part II of her book, Engel helps the survivor understand what is keeping them from having compassion for themselves and being open and able to feel worthy of compassion from others.
Part II really asks survivors to look at themselves and their behaviors and to stretch themselves beyond where they have been living. Again, Engel writes in such a way that you feel her support empowering you to go with her into these tough areas.
Part III of the book has a detailed description of Engel’s Compassion Cure Program. The five steps of the program lead the survivor on a journey of healing from their shame, with each of the steps building on the one before.
Engel’s personal experience with childhood abuse and neglect, her experience as a therapist, and her excellent compassionate writing are just what a survivor needs to tackle their own shame and find self-compassion.
I cannot recommend Engel’s book more highly!
See my other blogs on shame with Brené Brown:
