I had a lot of inner resistance to starting this Thriving After blog, and the accompanying FB Thriving After Sexual Abuse page and Twitter ThrivingAfterSexualAbuse @AmThrivingAfter account.
I have written a manuscript, “Thriving After Sexual Abuse: Break Your Bondage to the Past and Live a Life You Love,” that is about my healing journey from childhood sexual abuse that provides other survivors and their supporters information, exercises, and practices to help survivors on their healing journeys. The goal of the book is to inspire survivors to engage in their own healing journeys.
It took me two years of emotionally draining work to write the book. It was too hard to write in the evenings after work. So I would write an hour or two on a Sunday morning, just getting as much written as I could, even if it wasn’t a full chapter. Then I would have to go to church to be in a warm, loving, and uplifting environment to balance all the emotions that came up for me during the writing.
I finished the manuscript late last fall and started working with editors to prepare a query letter and a book proposal to sell literary agents on the book. The editors told me what I had already learned from my research; you need an audience already connected to you through social media to convince agents and publishers that you can help market the book and get it into readers’ hands.
I really wanted to wait until I had a contract with a publisher before starting the social media aspect. Logically, it was because I wanted my social media accounts to be connected with the book from their inception, so one would automatically be associated with the other.
But I discovered in writing an email to my editor, Candace Johnson, thanking her for her help in getting a fabulous endorsement for the book, that the resistance was not logical at all, but something much deeper and emotionally primal.
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Here is part of that email:
“Here come the tears again. I’m not sure when I’m going to be able to NOT cry in surprise and gratitude when people are willing to support me.
There must still be some hurt little girl inside of me that feels I am not good enough, and my story is not believable enough, for people to support me. Boy, there is something to work on, right?!
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I am listening to “Unlocking Us with Brené Brown”, her new podcast. Love me some Brené @BreneBrown, go Texas/Houston girls!
Her second episode is “Tarana Burke and Brené on Being Heard and Seen.” Tarana talks about making a decision at 12 years old that reminds me of me, and explains why that little girl is still there.
Tarana said to herself at 12 years of age:
I am going to do everything I can to create this veneer of perfection, so nobody can see what’s really underneath there, which is this horrible girl who can’t even keep people from touching her.
<This statement struck me to my core when I heard it. I had to re-listen to it over and over again to really process it. She had just told me what I had done to myself as a child.>
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I have always understood that healing will be a life long journey intellectually, but now I really need to own that there will always be opportunity to heal “new” parts of myself as things touch me and reveal the places that are still wounded. Another window that can be opened to let the sun and breeze and birdsong into my heart.
In her first full podcast episode, Brené talked about FFTs (Fucking First Times) and dealing with their challenges.
Her approach is to Normalize around acknowledging this is a new thing, Perspective to see it won’t always be so hard or this way forever, and Expectations based on reality. I am applying that to my wanting to blog!
In that same podcast, Brené also said:
“If courage is my value, I have to do this.”
“Go vulnerable, or go home.” ”
Message received, Brené!
This realization, plus the inspiration from Brené’s podcasts, got me thinking about why I wrote “Thriving After” in the first place – to help others.
And I realized that blogging, FB posting, and tweeting were other ways that I could share my experiences and resources to help other survivors.
With that insight, and working my FFT process of educate, plan, execute step-by-step, I started.
