Disclosure: I was given a free copy of the book for review.
I first came across Beverly Engel via her blog “The Compassion Chronicles: From anger to compassion and forgiveness” with PsychologyToday.com.
And quickly discovered her amazing book “It Wasn’t Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion.”
“It Wasn’t Your Fault” is included in my award-winning manuscript “Thriving After Sexual Abuse” as a must-read book for survivors of sexual abuse.
I was thrilled to be contacted by the publisher of Beverly’s new book, “Escaping Emotional Abuse: Healing from the Shame You Don’t Deserve” to write a review.
“Escaping Emotional Abuse” is a powerful and empowering book.
Beverly Engel brings clarity to multiple aspects of emotional abuse:
- the connection between shame and emotional abuse
- how shaming works as a means of control in a relationship
- the various emotional abuse tactics employed by abusers – this list is heartbreakingly long!
- reasons why it is so hard to end an emotionally abusive relationship, including details on the potential history of abuse or shaming a survivor has experienced leading up to the emotionally abusive relationship
- the extensive damage emotional abuse can cause survivors
Particularly helpful is a questionnaire to determine if you are being emotionally abused.
A review of the questionnaire confirmed my understanding that I am NOT in an emotionally abusive relationship, but it raised my awareness of how relationships can be emotionally abusive.
Beverly Engel also describes the different types of emotional abusers in detail and helps a reader consider whether their abuser is intentionally or unintentionally abusing them. In addition, she helps a reader understand whether their partner suffers from a borderline personality disorder.
It felt very empowering to read these descriptions to understand what an emotional abuser would be like and how they manipulate and control their partners. Knowledge is power!
“It is important to understand who abusers are and why they act as they do in order to help you to recognize that you didn’t cause the abuser in your life to become abusive. An abuser was already abusive before he or she met you. The fact is, you didn’t have to do anything at all to cause this person to become abusive. He or she didn’t emotionally abuse you because you couldn’t do anything right, because you were stubborn, because you didn’t listen. He or she abused you because it was inevitable due to his or her emotional makeup and background. In other words, this person was a ticking time bomb, just waiting to go off. You just happened to be in the vicinity when he or she did.”
“And even though we typically think that it is the responsibility of both partners to fix a broken relationship, the truth is that it is always the abuser’s responsibility to stop being abusive. Even though you may have tolerated or enabled his behavior for far too long, you are not responsible for stopping it. He is.”
Throughout the book, Beverly Engel writes with a compassionate understanding of the reader. She gives empathetic support for the survivor on their journey from recognizing their emotional abuse to overcoming their shame and potentially leaving the abusive relationship.
“But it is vitally important that you to come to know this truth: love isn’t about trying to make your partner a better person; it is about making yourself a better person. When we truly love someone, we want to make necessary changes in ourselves so that the relationship works for both people. If your partner is emotionally abusing you, he is certainly not working on improving himself.”
Beverly Engel’s book provides multiple exercises and activities to help readers to a better understanding of their emotional abuse and to move past their shame into a place of self-compassion, self-understanding, and self-forgiveness.
“The most important message of this chapter and this book is that you don’t deserve to be emotionally abused. You don’t deserve to be criticized, mocked, insulted, made fun of, berated, constantly questioned, put down in front of others, falsely accused, or called names, and you don’t have to put up with any other emotionally abusive behavior. You are not so stupid, ugly, incompetent, or unlovable that no one else could love you or put up with you besides your partner. You are, just as we all are, an imperfect and fallible human being, and like everyone else, you have faults and you make mistakes—but that doesn’t give your partner the right to treat you like you are worthless or unlovable.”
“Escaping Emotional Abuse” is a book that will give emotional abuse survivors the support and knowledge they need to move forward with their lives and not let anyone ever shame, manipulate or control them again.
