I had a dream last night that left a residue of emotion like a slick slime of film on my skin that sank into each cell.
It was in a similar vein to those dreams where you’re back in high school and have to take an exam you have completely forgot about and never studied for.
This dream was one where I was back in college. I had to present a speech at a competition. It wasn’t a debate but just a memorized speech. I had to drive downtown and fight to find a parking spot which caused a lot of anxiety.
By the time I got to the location to meet up with the teacher and the team, I had completely blanked on my speech. And of course, I did not have a hard copy of it and my teacher for some reason couldn’t find a copy on his computer.
I was mortified and filled with terror at having to go forward without being able to remember my speech. And my teammates were scornful and told me their doubts about my abilities were confirmed by this failure.
It completely tapped into my feelings of shame and fear of being less-than, incompetent, and poised for repeating failure that was instilled in me during my abuse.
For some reason, I decided to walk out on the stage anyway.
Some part of me recognized what was happening in the dream, that it was a dream, and that the negative emotions washing through me were left-overs from my childhood.
So I stood there and told my story of abuse and recovery in my strongest and most authentic voice. And I won the competition!
